I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
