Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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