How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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