there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
