she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
