We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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