Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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