Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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