OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
