Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I smell like Dick and happiness
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
