id be glad to
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
