come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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