we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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