I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
