Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
