I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
