I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
