Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
