There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
