Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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