You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
