I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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