i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
