guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
