Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
