Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
