1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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