Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
