i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
