why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
