dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
