All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
