Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
