wanna go halves on a baby?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
