dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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