we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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