I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
