i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
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