I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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