Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
