Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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