I wish I could teleport
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
