Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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