Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize