He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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