Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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