Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
