Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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