Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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