btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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