how can u be prego again
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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