I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We left the knife in your bed.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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