Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
operation harelip BJ is a go
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I need a beard to bite.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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