I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
