It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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